Descriptions That Don’t Quite Work

It’s hard to physically describe someone in a way that’s vivid and interesting. Tired descriptions like "Tall, well-built, and blond hair" do nothing for the reader. Stephen King, in his essential guide On Writing, advises writers to pick a single distinctive physical trait, preferably one that in some way illuminates the character’s personality or message.

I always enjoy seeing how writers describe their subject and whether they listen to King. Atul Gawande, in his otherwise excellent article on how ICU doctors use checklists to reduce infections, describes one of his characters thusly:

Forty-two years old, with cropped light-brown hair, tenth-grader looks, and a fluttering, finchlike energy, he is an odd mixture of the nerdy and the messianic.

This doesn’t generate any kind of image in my mind. What are tenth-grader looks? What exactly is "fluttering, finchlike energy"? And when I try to call to mind a mix of nerdy and messianic, I come up blank. For me, the one sentence devoted to physically describing the guy fails to do the job.

By contrast, here’s Nick Paumgarten describing Eliot Spitzer:

Spitzer, who is forty-eight, has a prominent nose, chin, and forehead, a hard jawline, and deep-set eyes whose intensity can give the extremely mistaken impression that he wears eyeliner. When he smiles or gets angry, his jaw juts out, underbitishly. The vigor in his features and in his manner, and his lean frame, tend to inspire descriptions of a man tilting into the wind.

This does more for me. The eyeliner image is effective.

One of my favorite descriptions — I have many — is this David Foster Wallace line:

A slim calm kindly lady of maybe 45 who wears dark tights, pointy boots, a black sweater that looks home-crocheted and a perpetual look of concerned puzzlement, as if life were one long request for clarification.

Any favorites of yours?

5 Responses to Descriptions That Don’t Quite Work

  1. Chris Sivori says:

    Hey Ben,

    This reminded me of the descriptive word portraits that were popular parlor games before the advent of photography. The goal was both to convey the likeness of the subject through words, but also their character and personality.

    Consider the dueling word portraits of Cardinal de Retz and La Rochefoucauld. I believe Ben Franklin penned similar examples.

    Nice post. Thanks.

    -Chris

  2. Rob says:

    Ben,

    Perhaps you like the second description better because you already had an image of the person in your head. Just a thought.

    -R

  3. Here’s Dan Schneider on Ernest Hemingway:

    “…he was like a tomcat constantly needing to piss his masculinity over every page…”

  4. Chris Yeh says:

    My favorite way to describe people is to use the modified celebrity lookalike method.

    A real-life example is my brother-in-law, whom I can evocatively describe as “the spitting image of Prince, if Prince were Puerto Rican, and had been brutally beaten in a mugging shortly after the premiere of ‘Purple Rain.'”

  5. Angelina Isiminger says:

    Aw, this was a really nice post. In idea I want to put in writing like this moreover � taking time and actual effort to make an excellent article� however what can I say� I procrastinate alot and not at all seem to get one thing done. Fifa 14 Hack

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>