Many years ago, as a 15 year old, I snuck into a tech and business event in San Francisco. My basketball-ready height masked my age at events like these. (Or if it didn’t, no one ever bothered to vocalize their suspicions.) I had my schtick down: When I arrived at 5pm at the downtown venue, I registered at the front desk, grabbed a name badge, and carefully dodged the various registrants who were standing around tall tables and munching on carrots and bell peppers, pretending to be enthralled in conversation.
Once I found my way to the bathroom, I entered a stall, closed the door, and sat on the toilet. And then I waited, staring straight ahead at the beige bathroom stall door. Nature did not call but that wasn’t the point. The clock was ticking — that was the point. After about 15 minutes the networking happy hour ended, the main stage speaker took the microphone, and it was time for me to symbolically flush the non-soiled toilet and re-join the gathering to watch the speaker. At the conclusion of the formal programming, I bee-lined my way out of the hotel before the networking started up again.
I was a young entrepreneur; I had read the various business books that extolled the virtues of networking. But converting knowledge into action in this area required having answers to questions that made my palms sweaty:
Doesn’t everyone already know each other? What if the other person finds me boring? Would I ask for their contact information afterwards and if so, would that be awkward? What are you supposed to talk about?
Fast forward 21 years later and I now work in an industry (venture capital) that has me hosting and attending these sorts of previously-terrifying gatherings all the time. And I don’t mind it. (You can learn almost anything!)
Now, despite my current comfort with unstructured networking hours, I far prefer more structured gatherings. Assigned seating. Assigned speaking roles. Small groups. I tend to avoid unstructured events.
But…if you find yourself attending an unstructured networking cocktail hour, here are some tips:
Barge into existing conversations. It may seem easier to approach someone who isn’t speaking to anyone. But actually, a person who’s staring down at their phone may actually be on their phone for good reason. Instead: join a group of two already in conversation. Odds are you are not interrupting two best friends talking about confidential topics.
When you approach and turn a twosome into a threesome, just use a simple opening line: “Hey how’s it going? I’m Ben” and extend your hand for a handshake. (Until such time as we ban the stupid norm of handshakes and replace with the Japanese bow…) Another terrific thing to say, per Nick Gray, right as you join a larger conversation: “Please continue.” This avoids the awkward round of introductions among people who’ve already introduced themselves to each other. As a late joiner, you can just vibe in when the time is right.
As you’re talking to someone, don’t scan the horizon looking for someone else more interesting. Give the person you’re talking to your full attention. It’s dreadful to be on the receiving end of someone whose eyes are darting around. Let’s all treat others the way we want to be treated: give the person you’re talking to at a cocktail party your full attention. Take comfort in the knowledge that you know how to extract yourself from a conversation if necessary.
Don’t get trapped in one conversation the whole time. A common fail mode in a cocktail party setting is being unable to extract yourself in order to go talk to someone else. It can be intimidating to break off from your conversation partner and wade into the unknown until you’re find a new mate.
If you’re in a two-person conversation (you and the other person), there are two basic/obvious options: “I’m going to get a drink, it was really nice talking to you” and “I’m going to head to the restroom, it was really nice talking to you.” The advanced option? Don’t make up an excuse. Just say, “It was great talking to you. I’m sure I’ll see you around.” Put out your hand, and then wander off. And pray you don’t bump into the person a minute later before having paired off again.
If you’re in a three (or more) person conversation, it’s easier. Say: “Excuse me for one sec” and then step out and walk decisively away without waiting for a formal reply, and let the two others carry on.
If you see someone standing on their own, awkwardly, while you are in conversation with someone, invite them into your conversation. Literally gesture to the person, waving them into the circle, with the phrase, “Come join us.” If you want to be especially generous, quickly bring the new person up to speed on the conversation: “We were just talking about this book Jane read on the history of Morocco…” And if you’re feeling particularly assertive, try to keep the conversation going versus reverting into self-introductions from everyone standing in the circle – which will inevitably be repetitive for most of the people standing there.
Now… when you’re in the conversation itself:
Don’t saturate a conversation with overexplaining and drawn-out stories. Smart people are sometimes tempted to unload all their special knowledge and insight and clever explanations into a conversation. They flood the zone.
Speaking too much is the obvious sin. Don’t do that. Don’t speak for more than 60-90 seconds straight. This is true in almost any meeting context but especially true at cocktail parties or happy hours.
One version of this sin is more subtle because it’s an activity that’s otherwise lauded by experts: storytelling! Stories are indeed a great way of making a point. At their best, nothing beats them. The issue is, as Sasha Chapin has pointed out, storytelling in casual work conversation can also go horribly wrong. A story that isn’t tight quickly becomes a worse situation than boring non-story delivery of facts.
Drawn-out, painful stories are torturous in any social interaction. But it’s especially problematic in cocktail parties where there’s faster cadence expected.
Bottom Line: Try to avoid unstructured cocktail parties when you can, but if you must, consider these techniques to make your time more worthwhile. 1) Barge into existing conversations and say “Please continue” 2) Don’t scan the horizon while talking to the person, 3) Don’t get trapped in one convo, excuse yourself to “get a drink” and go find others to mingle with 4) Invite lonely stragglers into your conversation, 5) Don’t saturate cocktail conversation with overexplaining and drawn-out stories.
And if you’re hosting your own cocktail party, Nick’s book will show you how. If you want deeper frameworks on how to build your network, The Startup of You shows how.