Monthly Archives: March 2007

In pondering the future of books in a digital world, The Economist writes ($):

Books are not primarily artefacts, nor necessarily vehicles for ideas. Rather, as Mr Godin puts it, they are “souvenirs of the way we felt” when we read something.

The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists is a fascinating book and almost too incredible to believe. Neil Strauss, an accomplished writer and journalist, penetrates the secret society of male pick-up artists who aim for one night stands by employing "seduction psychology". Not only does Strauss penetrate this underworld as a journalist, he himself becomes one of the world’s greatest seduction artists and king of the hill in Los Angeles. It’s a highly entertaining and provocative book, if a bit R-rated.

I didn’t know seduction communities existed, but a little online research indicates it’s a large market with many followers.

The men portrayed by Strauss become sophisticated studiers of behavioral psychology, meticulously tracking the success and failures of certain phrases or actions. Their end goal is sex, not long-term relationships. Many average looking, mildly extroverted men — through practice and study — become expert seducers.

After I excerpted from The Game in a prior post, one reader asked how I would square the over-the-top hedonism glorified by Strauss with my comments on "raunch feminism". My attitude is people can do whatever they want to do so long as it doesn’t affect me. However, it’s clear that the values of the pick-up artists are not ones I would impart to my children, as I don’t think they lead to overall, long-term happiness. Many characters in Strauss’ account end up depressed, suicidal, or just plain empty. Flesh is flesh, after all. Some men in the book, after leaving the seduction community, can’t get back to thinking of women as anything but sex objects. Oops.

I wonder, though, what businesspeople (and anyone else) can learn from the psychology employed by pick-up artists? Below are some of the tips / lessons for men trying to pick up women that were buried in the book. Which have crossover to the "real world"?

• You must not do what everyone else does. Ever. Be different.
• Don’t walk up to a woman who’s all by herself. Woman of beauty are rarely found alone. Better to find a woman in a group.
• Pick a target in the group and then intrigue her by pretending to be unaffected by her charm. How do you do this? By using a "neg". A neg is neither compliment nor insult — it’s something in-between — it’s an accidental insult or a back-handed compliment.
• #1 characteristic of an alpha male is the smile. By smiling you look like you’re together, you’re fun, and you’re somebody.
• An amateur hits on a woman right away. A pro waits eight to ten minutes.
• Wear a conversation piece.
• How do you kiss her? Just say, "Would you like to kiss me?" She’ll say one of three things. "Yes" (then kiss her), "Maybe" or hesitates (then kiss her), or "No" (say "I didn’t say you could. It just looked like you had something on your mind.")
• Recite a memorized opener. The opener should open the group, not just the target.
• Convey personality to the entire group. Do this by using stories, magic, anecdotes, and humor.
• Ask the group, "So, how does everybody know each other?" If the target is with one of the guys, find out how long they’ve been together.
• Give yourself a time constraint ("I have to go in a minute, but we should continue this.") If you don’t, she’ll be thinking, "I wonder when he’s going to leave."
• How to respond to the "let’s just be friends" speech: "I don’t promise any such thing. Friends don’t put each other into boxes like that. The only thing I’ll promise is never to do anything unless you and I both feel totally comfortable, willing, and ready."
• Two Indicators of Interest (IOI): she asks what your name is; when you take her hands in yours and squeeze them, she squeezes back.
• It takes roughly seven hours for a woman to be comfortably led from meet to sex.
• We’re evolutionary wired to feel aroused when someone smells us. Lean in and tell her she smells good.
• Interrogation is not seduction. Don’t ask tons of questions. Seduction is the art of setting the stage for two people to choose to reveal themselves to each other.
• "The word energy is the equivalent of the smell of chocolate to most women in Southern California."
• Girls don’t respect guys who buy them drinks.
• The key to physical escalation is two steps forward, one step back.
• Style’s routine: First, open. Then demonstrate higher value. Next, build rapport and an emotional connection. Finally, create physical connection.
• "How do you guys know each other?" is a good opener for a group.
• The secret of personal ads: sound like a selfish prick in the ad, and then be a fascinating, laid-back gentleman on meeting.
• Anti-slut defense — woman doesn’t want you to think she’s easy, so offers last-minute resistance. Two steps forward, one backward.
• Women: potential for beauty is as attractive to most men as actual beauty.
• The less you appear to be trying, the better you do.
• Create a yes-ladder: capture her attention by asking questions that require an obvious affirmative answer.
• If you have someone pick a number btwn one and ten, 70% of the time — esp if you rush their decision — they will choose seven.
• Rapport equals trust plus comfort.
• Ultimatums are the ultimate expressions of powerlessness, empty threats designed to try to influence a situation someone has no control over.

(Thanks blog reader TG for sending me this book for Christmas, who said he found my blog via one of the online discussion groups for seduction dating.)

I finished Gene O’Kelly’s book Chasing Daylight in tears. Seeing that this is a highly infrequent occurrence, it says something about the effect this relatively short book had on me. I highly recommend Chasing Daylight to everyone, especially driven business types.

Here’s the Cliff Notes summary of the book, from Chris Yeh’s review:

O’Kelly, then the CEO of KPMG, discovers suddenly that he has inoperable brain cancer, and has around 100 days to live. He sets out to achieve the best death he can by reaching closure in his relationships with colleagues, friends, and family, while documenting his quest in his book.

Here’s more from Brad Feld’s review:

He determines to have the greatest possible existence during those last 100 days, systematically saying goodbye to all the people that have touched his life, trying to have as many “perfect moments” as possible, to live always in the present, and to chronicle the experience of dying as one of his last acts on this planet.

The book spoke to me on a number of levels.

First, it brilliantly captured the common mortality we all share and the classic Type A response to such a realization. If I were told I had 100 days to live, I would do the same as O’Kelly: Pull up Excel and systematically organize how I would want to spend the rest of my existence. This is nothing to be ashamed of.

Second, it reinforced the point we hear time and time again but oft ignore: We spend too much time chasing material successes and pursuing activities which are only a means to an ends and too little time with the people in our life we care about.

Third, it showed how O’Kelly grappled with and ultimately conquered his fear of death. Fearing death is, again, nothing to be ashamed of. What’s admirable is how honestly O’Kelly presents this emotion and the practical insight he offers to grapple with it yourself.

Although I’m sure O’Kelly’s story will rattle around in my head for a long time, this much I know: I will feel grateful when I see the daylight stream through my bedroom window tomorrow morning; I will try to tell the people in my life how important they are to me; I will try to focus more on the present than the distant future; and most important, I will try to remember Jonathan Swift’s immortal words: "May you live every day of your life."