Category Archives: Relationships

The Musty Man, who writes an infrequently updated but thoroughly entertaining and well-written blog, uses his 30th birthday as an opportunity to dish out advice to the 20-somethings behind him. But first he protests at the well-worn tradition of older people telling younger people how it all will get better soon:

Hilarious. From the advice itself, something all students should consider as they work to beat the system:

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Here's the Musty Man's post on his ex-girlfriends. I recommend it for all men. He says you want to ultimately get to a point where you can be happy for an ex-girlfriend and not just fake being happy for her (i.e. secretly wish her new boyfriend gets cancer in his dick).

Appreciative thinking is learning to see the value of things, says Seth Roberts. It’s learning to appreciate what’s good in something.

School teaches us to be proactively skeptical and critical. We’re taught to immediately look for the flaws in experiments or theories. An appreciative approach, by contrast, simply asks, “What’s redeeming about this experiment or idea? What’s done right?”

Some VCs are naturally appreciative, others naturally critical. After an entrepreneur pitch their first feedback will either be, “OK, here’s what I like about what you’re doing” versus “Here’s where I think the problems are.”

I am trying to take a more appreciative approach to people. When I meet someone new at a cocktail party, I am trying to ask myself more regularly, “What’s cool / impressive / interesting about this person?” as opposed to dwelling on their imperfections.

Stay positive, in other words.

I already do this most of the time. But I think I can do this more with at least three types of people:

1. People I perceive as less smart than me. It is possible to learn from someone not as smart as me. It is also very possible that the person is smart in ways I am not and I should try to appreciate that.

2. The type of people who preface every answer with “thank you for sharing.” These are the exceedingly empathetic people. The touchy feely people. The Oprah people. People who love talking about their feelings more than their ideas. It’s too easy to dismiss them as lightweights. I would like to be better at appreciating their approach to the world.

3. Self-absorbed people. When I’m stuck in a conversation with a self-absorbed person who does not realize that he is a self-obsessed asshole, in my head I sometimes play the game, “How long can he keep talking and I stay silent?” I focus in on his obliviousness to the social dynamics of the conversation. As a result I miss out on appreciating actual virtues he may be displaying, let alone listening to and comprehending the words coming out of his mouth.

Here’s to ever more appreciativeness!

What is the one thing that gnaws at you when it’s quiet and you are alone, driving to work at 7:30 in the morning?

— Tomas Tizon, Pulitzer Prize winning journalist

Tizon presented this question to aspiring profile writers. He says if you do a profile on somebody you want to understand the person's pain — you want to understand the person's central, private anxiety and of course this doesn't come from asking about it directly.

Perhaps you can use this idea as a litmus test for how well you know someone.

Think about a friend.

Do you know his one, looming insecurity or anxiety? When your friend lies awake at 1:30 AM, unable to sleep, do you know what she dwells on? When he sits on his couch alone watching TV, late on a dull Thursday evening and his eyes drift, what preoccupation slowly comes to the fore?

Most people carry some flavor of one dominant anxiety: Am I beautiful enough? Am I smart enough? Am I going to let down my father? Does my spouse love me? Will I be found out? Will I be "successful" in the real world?

It's the stuff advertising and pop culture prey on.

The reason it's hard for a profile writer or even a friend to get at these fundamental anxieties is that sometimes they operate at a sub-conscious level. For example, a student might explain anxiety about getting good grades by his desire to go to X graduate program. Sub-consciously it may be about deeper insecurity over his intelligence and the related need for validation.

Whatever it is, if the New Yorker asks you to profile a person, or you're simply trying to deepen your understanding of a friend or colleague, you want to figure out what is really keeping him up at night.

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Love — something you do — is not inextricably linked with the word "love," maybe especially within close families.

T.S. Eliot once wrote:

There's no vocabulary
For love within a family, love that's lived in
But not looked at, love within the light of which
All else is seen, the love within which
All other love finds speech.
This love is silent.

To which John Updike wrote:

One of my favorite questions to ask people is, “What do you look for in a person?” I ask it in the context of sizing up someone’s potential as a friend, as an employee, as a conversation partner, anything.

I always find it fascinating what somebody looks for (what specific characteristics does he mention) and then how he goes about assessing the existence of those characteristics in a short period of time. It’s easy to say “I look for intelligence” but what specific things tip you off? (My old and well commented post on litmus tests covers this.)

One friend recently gave an interesting answer: he looks for people who can surprise him. He said that if someone doesn’t surprise him, he doesn’t get a sense of the person’s presence.

I’d have to agree: there’s nothing more boring than a person whose sentences you feel you can finish every time. Or who fits squarely into a stereotype such that 90% of their beliefs perfectly align with a broader political or religious label.

What I usually answer to the question which opened this post, when I’m choosing friends, romantic partners, or conversation companions, is “eccentricity.” I like eccentric people. They’re usually very fun. They are unique, like keys. And they regularly surprise me.