Category Archives: Life

Steve Silberman of Wired left a poignant comment on my post Partitioning the Emotional Events in Your Life:

That’s all true in a professional sense, and is a valuable insight. But one notable thing about reading this blog is that, for documenting the internal and external process of a passionate 18-year-old guy, there are remarkably few references to emotional events that don’t somehow involve work, your career trajectory, and other practical matters. It’s a little too easy I think for people to see that and say, “Well, thank God! Ben is not one of those kids who waste their days mooning about failed or potential romances. It’s a sign of his advanced maturity.”

Maybe you should also be thinking about discovering and cultivating the emotions that you are capable of with others, as you also develop the ability to strictly “partition” these feelings?

The best relationships are when both sides invest equally in it. Both sides equally care.

This is true, I think, for any kind of business partnership, but I’ve noticed it particularly in personal relationships. When one person is way busier than the other, it’s a weaker bond. When one person is way less interested in the long term resilience of the relationship, it often wavers.

If one side thinks a relationship receives equal mutual investment, and then is proven wrong, it can be quite hurtful. This happened to me once. I misjudged how invested the other person was. I thought we were closer than we actually were (in the other person’s mind, at least). It hurt.

There’s a reason why the term is "best friends" and not "best friend." If one person considers you his/her best friend, and you don’t think that way about him/her, then you’re not "best friends." It cuts both ways.

(On a somewhat related note, 25% of Americans have no one to confide in.)

Chris Yeh and I are about as co-branded as Gladwell and Levitt, but even Gladwell and Levitt have their disagreements (see: abortion and crime).

A few weeks ago Chris made a side and snide remark about the City of San Francisco…He may have even used the "h" word. I told him to explain and he then did a follow up post articulating the 10 Reasons Why He Hates (yes, hate!) San Francisco.

Chris didn’t say how much time he’s actually spent in San Francisco, but I bet I’ve been here longer: 18 years straight, with the exception of a three week trip last year to Zurich and my current travels in Europe. During this time I have come to adore The City by the Bay, while recognizing its shortcomings. For example, 365 days a year you can’t leave the house after 6 PM without a jacket. The politicians are psycho (though I’m proud of our gay rights record). It has "big city" problems like homelessness and traffic. Public transit could be better. We don’t have four seasons. It’s expensive. After all, the main reason many non-SF Bay Area residents hate San Francisco is because they can’t afford it.

In return for these downsides, we enjoy stunning beauty, no snow, a diverse and highly educated population, city-wide wi-fi (soon), easy access to the Napa Valley (world’s best wine) and Santa Cruz Mountains (beaches and more), world-class universities (Stanford and Cal), and so forth. But many of these things are available to a lowly Palo Alto resident, too. Palo Alto probably has even warmer weather than we do. So why San Fran?

If you live in a big city, you value the accouterments of urban living over the side effects like homelessness. If you enjoy high culture (art, opera, etc.), professional sports teams, diversity of any kind, or any kind of in-person civic activity, the melting pot of a big city is the way to go. If you are focused on raising a family, an endeavor which requires time and money, you probably won’t sample the cultural offerings of a big city as much, and thus Palo Alto may be a better choice. On the other hand, a few months ago I was talking to a wealthy guy who’s about to have a kid. He moved to SF from the South Bay precisely because he wanted his child to be exposed to a bustling metropolis and see a better representation of the world (warts and all) rather than the somewhat isolated cities of Silicon Valley. For him, money isn’t a concern, so he can make this choice easily.

Me? I go to the World Affairs Council, San Francisco Giants games, and attended an urban high school which attracted students from all over the Bay Area, providing a range of perspectives not guarenteed in a tony Menlo Park school.

So, the interesting argument is not why someone from Palo Alto should move to San Francisco — those values / interests don’t change easily — but why, among the big cities, SF is a great choice. It seems to me weather is the big criterion. SF, LA, Denver, Minneapolis, Chicago, New York, Philly; all these cities offer a similar cultural pallette. All but SF and LA offer snow, too. There’s also the emergence of "b-list" cities such as Portland and Bloomington which try to offer the cultural wealth of a San Francisco without the dirt and expense.

On a side note, there are many super interesting urban studies trends in America. People’s living preferences are shifting. Suburbia is being complemented by "exurbia." More on all that in another post!

My final paper in the MIT Problems of Philosophy course I surveyed with a teacher had to do with "worldview." I came up with the topic because I think it’s a way of thinking about how we think about the world.

People use the word "worldview" liberally, for good reason: its definition is broad and ambiguous. It tends to encompass a set of random beliefs which, somehow, cohere into a larger meaning. In this light, to have a worldview is a sign of sophistication, for a unified, logical view of the world is far preferable to a hodgepodge of opinions which can contradict each other. I would argue, though, that everyone has a worldview; for some their beliefs are simply more explicit thus more conscious thus more bulletproof (if we’re conscientious of our beliefs we’re less likely to tolerate illogical ones). Yet even those who boast a more refined worldview probably have not thought about all the aspects.

In my writing, I looked at three dimensions: belief in a higher power, determinism/freewill, and morality. I examined the connections here. For example, if someone believes in an omnipotent God, she is likely to be less on the free will side of the spectrum. If someone exists less on the free will side of the spectrum, he is likely to not likely to uphold as firm a moral responsibility for actions.

In my conclusion, I noted that for many people their opinions on these matters exist mostly in a political context. Our "beliefs" are mostly political positions. Consequently, they’re rife with inconsistencies. This is evident in how people vote — they vote for politicians with whom they disagree on issues but simply like as a person.

I hold a number of beliefs about life and this world, some of which became more explicit during this exercise. Now that they’re on the table, I can scrutinize them and be depressed at their inconsistencies! Most important, though, I can begin to articulate my worldview to others and seek to understand their perspectives.

It’s been interesting spending time with my school friends the past few days. There are just a handful of times in our lives when we truly start a new chapter: a major career change, marriage, kids, and graduations from high school and college. I would argue high school graduation is even more meaningful than college because you leave home for the first time. Given all this, our conversations have been reflective and at once reminiscent and forward looking. Grateful and proud of all it took to get to this point, but excited about the next 18 years even more. Emotional about the deep relationships formed that may soon weaken and ultimately end, but excited about a substantially larger pool of interesting people to meet in college and beyond.

One of the strongest sources of stress for many of my peers, I think, is that question many of us never answer: What do I want to do with my life? Or more specifically: What do I want to major in at college? What career do I want to enter? What am I good at? What am I, dare I use the word, passionate about?

It’s odd that high school graduates have to think about these pressing questions so soon but it’s not really surprising: the stakes are high to be "successful" and everything is accelerated.

I am blessed that these questions don’t concern me as much — sure, I still think about them, as I have many years ahead of me, but I have a pretty good sense of what I’m really good at, what I suck at, and what really interests me. So, I have it easier than some, but this doesn’t stop me from giving advice (to others or myself)!

I would argue it’s an equal blessing to be totally clueless. No matter how much I try, I am seeing the world through my developed lens and stated interests and strengths. I will try hard to be flexible and allow myself to change, but it will be difficult. The totally clueless person is a benign sponge, as ready to "try" environmentalism as investment banking. Why not?

Recent high school graduate Lindsay Eierman emailed me a few months ago and since then I’ve been reading her Xanga blog — she seems like a really interesting and well-written woman. In one of her posts she says,

While driving tonight I realized once again that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. And that is a scary thought.  I do know that I want to:
-help people
-travel the world
-read everything
-love deeply
-enjoy my career

For me, this is not "scary" at all: it’s brilliantly beautiful. She’s starting with a set of broadly defined values and wishes. Discovering what you care about can take years…for good reason. Lindsay — until then, you have a cornucopia of possibilities!

Conversations about the future take on added stress at this moment in our lives because the rules are changing. People who were king of the hill at high school can’t adapt to the new status quo, and stumble. Indeed, high school style popularity is effectively worthless in the adult world. When you stumble, you start to doubt yourself and the accuracy of your own gut, the single most important radar for what your true calling is.

It’s a fascinating time to be 18.