Monthly Archives: July 2009

Shrinking the “Stuff I Really Care About” Box

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My mom tells me, "When you were a kid, you were so laid back and happy that we were worried you might be retarded."

In my tween years, I grew fiercely competitive. I always wanted to win and lead things. Any type of game I played in, I wanted to win. Every conversation, I wanted to be the smartest and funniest. Every group effort, out in front.

Now, in adulthood, I try to stake out middle ground that goes something like "be intense about things that matter, super laid back about everything else." In other words, be more intense about fewer things.

By shrinking the "stuff I really care about" box to just a few areas — off the top of my head: my relationships (friends and family), my work, and my personal development / learning — it allows me to focus intensely on those things and let go and/or be non-competitive on everything else.

A casual game of ping pong? Enjoy it. Political debates? Don't let it get too intense. It's okay not to win. Better, even, to listen and ponder while sipping green tea and staring pensively up and to the right. Non-core professional endeavors? Just suck less than the next guy, or outsource it altogether.

One reason I am less competitive the older I get is I see more situations as non-zero sum. I am more attuned to shared interests. Others don't need to lose for me to win.

Bottom Line: Maybe one part of growing up — oh, to grow up! — is picking your battles, winning the ones that matter, and seeing the others as much as possible as non-zero sum endeavors

Somewhat Related Posts: Is a Killer Instinct Necessary in Business? and The Components of a Killer Instinct.

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Drinking Mate in Argentina

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When in Argentina, be an Argentinean. And that means drink mate, the classic local tea that they drink like I drink 2% milk at home. Locals carry around a thermos of hot water and re-fill their tea throughout the day. Here I am, drinking mate:

Argentina_bencamera 019

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Do Less. Do Better. Know Why.

Posted inPhilosophy9 Comments on Do Less. Do Better. Know Why.

That's the work / productivity philosophy of Cal Newport. He targets it to students but all should consider it:

Maintain a small number of things that you return to, and do hard work on, again and again, over a long period of time. Choose things that actually interest you, but don’t obsesses over choosing the perfect things — as perfect goals, like perfect majors, probably don’t exist. Keep this hard work quarantined to a reasonable number of focused hours each day, and harness the rest of the time to recharge, relax, and, in general, enjoy life. Or, to put it in a more familiar wording: Do Less. Do Better. Know Why.
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Iguazu Falls

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IguazuFalls

They are one of South America’s top attractions and they sit at the border of Argentina, Brazil, and Paraguay.

It’s a 1.5 hour flight from Buenos Aires, which I made with my hosts and Steve. You can also take a 19 hour bus ride.

The water falls put Niagra to shame. They are huge in every way – the total area is wide, the water rushes fast, and the fall / drop is very deep. In some parts you can’t see the water hit the bottom due to depth and mist that ricochets up from the falls.

Due to fog and rain we were not able to take the moonlight-walk tour in the evening. The benefit of the cancelled tour was an extra-leisurely buffet dinner at the national park where we talked and laughed and met a New York film editor who was also trekking through Iguazu.

The town outside the park is small but cute. We ate at the same restaurant for three meals. The restaurant plays interesting jazz/Latin covers of 80’s and 90’s American music. I had mate for the first time – the popular Argentinean tea that you fill and re-fill with a canteen of hot water.

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Intellectual Stimulation in Life and Romance

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A stab at clarifying my thinking on this topic:

1. Many smart people with high IQs are not intellectually stimulating.

2. What makes someone stimulating and not just smart? For starters, curiosity and interdisciplinary thinking.

3. There is a difference between someone who intellectually stimulates you and someone who intellectually challenges you. I know someone is stimulating me if I am developing new theories or evolving current ones. I know someone is challenging me if I must stand corrected with some frequency.

4. The most rewarding form of stimulation is when you are pushed and challenged on topics of strength. Sure, I know nothing about cooking, and could probably be stimulated on that topic, along with a million other topics for which I posses zero knowledge. But that wouldn't as exciting as being pushed on a topic where I am already ahead of the curve.

5. In romantic partners, I seek a woman who's stimulatable — someone who is interested. I will be happy if I marry a woman who is very interested in the world, interested in my ideas, and has ideas of her own. Plus all that other (more) important stuff. I do not feel like she has to intellectually challenge me per se on my points of strength; complementary strengths, or non-overlapping strengths, seems like the most workable romantic arrangement. After all, many "power couples" who challenge each other in the same way on the same things do not last very long.

6. Intellectual stimulation is not the be all end all. Other things matter more in relationships and in life. The question, "Do I have fun when I'm with this person?" to me matters more than anything in both friendship and romance, and the fun litmus-test is paramount in life more generally.

(thanks to Steve Dodson for helping me think this through)

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