How many people in your life can say, "I'm proud of you," and you take it fully and without any sort of resentment or dismissal? Whoever those people are, they are probably your mentors.
Someone who credibly says "I'm proud of you" usually has two characteristics. First, he is probably higher status / higher power. Most of the time, having pride about someone else comes from a place of superiority. Second, he must know you well. Most of the time, to be proud of someone means you know where they've been and how far they've come — pride is a word about growth. If a homeless guy on the street (lower status) or Bill Gates (don't know him personally) tell me they're proud of me it won't have a huge positive effect.
To be sure, "I'm really proud of you buddy" can sometimes occur between friends. But this seems less common. Usually friends say "I'm so happy for you" or "Really nice job!" but not the p-word. And family can often be proud, but as with most things family, the obligation and bias dull the effect.
This topic came to mind because I recently saw a friend / mentor and told him about a meaningful professional accomplishment. The next morning, I woke up to an email in my inbox that was one line: "I'm really proud of you." It felt great, and as he falls into both of the categories above, was fully appreciated.
It got me thinking, "How many people could send me that sort of email?" And that's how I arrived at the "I'm Proud of You" litmus test.
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I almost never tell anyone I’m proud of them, for exactly this reason. It’s very presumptuous.
Oh.. very good. I had an experience where a friend, who I consider in every way my equal, noticed that I made a healthy food choice (not that I didn’t before, but I think it’s the first time he noticed) and he said, ‘Oh I’m so proud of you!’. From that day on, I felt like I couldn’t really trust him, and now I know why. I think I instinctively recognized that the balance of power had somehow been upset, but couldn’t put my finger on it.
Fascinating post in two regards. First, is there anything more emotionally potent than someone you really care about and admire telling you, “I’m proud of you?”
It feels like I can name many movies where this serves as the emotional climax. Just think of “The Sixth Sense,” where the son tells his mother that his dead grandmother wanted her daughter to know that the answer to her unspoken question was “Every day.”
His mother begins to cry, and he asks her, “What did you ask grandma,” and she replies through her tears, “Are you proud of me?”
The same trope appears in many children’s movies (Babe, Mulan)–is there anything more important to a child than their parent’s love and approval?
Second, this very fact helps explain why we resent it if the praise comes from someone who isn’t viewed as a mentor. In this sense, a mentor is a parent that you choose, and the desire for his or her love and approval is as natural as the desire for that of a parent’s pride.
And if one doesn’t respect one’s parent, what is the reaction to such a statement? It’s probably contempt and anger.
Similarly, if someone tries to imply a mentor relationship by telling you, “I’m proud of you,” it’s like a bad parent trying to claim the rights and status of a good one. You’ll feel mad and resentful.
I say it often to former students. I teach high school.
Pretty much an entire generation of American kids heard it from Mr. Rogers.
http://pbskids.org/rogers/songLyricsImProudOfYou.html
What if you really are proud of the person? A friend persevered in getting her master’s degree after running into academic trouble as an undergrad. I was damned proud of her for overcoming this setback and told her so.
But what does ‘proud’ mean? And do you really mean that you are damned impressed with your friend for her achievement? And as it was your friends’ achievement, oughtn’t she be the one who feels proud? I think we need to invent another word for that wonderful feeling in our own chest when someone we care for does something they feel proud about – and we agree that they should feel proud.
This is why we say, “I am very happy for you!” They are the one to feel proud…it was THEIR accomplishment. If you had a hand in that success then I think it is ok to say, “I am so proud of you” as it does imply that the speaker played a part. It makes sense for a mentor or parent to say this, or a friend or other who served in some coaching role.
Granted that in many relationships, “I’m proud of you” would strike a patronizing or otherwise false note. But I believe that spouses say it, and siblings.
Yes, I agree that it can also be very strong coming from siblings and spouses/lovers. But I would also add another category: people who know you well *because* they have worked with you – and even for you – for a long time. They don’t have more power than you, and in some cases less, but their opinion matters because they know you so well, and because you respect them and what they think.
I have never said to my children, ‘I am proud of you.” My reason is that thry are responsile for their successes and I shoudn’t take any credit for it. The phrase, in my belief, implies my contribution as a parent. I don’t think my children have any problem with this because they know, in many other ways, I love them dearly.
…but you do play a role in their success! Kids also like to know that they invoke parental pride…as long as it genuine!
Interesting perspective. When my parents tell me that they are proud of me, I generally take it to mean that they recognize something I have done on my own merit as being worthy of praise. It’s more potent because they have seen struggles in their life, and within that perspective, they still acknowledge the effort I have put into the achievement as deserving of recognition. I have never regarded the word pride as implying that the one feeling it is somehow responsible for it. I have always seen it as, ‘I’ve been there, done that, and think you have done it too.’
Basically, it’s an ambiguous expression. Sometimes people use it to appropriate the achievements of others, which is a sad and awful thing.
Those of us who were brought up around this attitude are understandably wary of the phrase, and likely to avoid it.
But some of us never heard the expression in our lives till we were adults. I’d have fallen over from shock if I ever heard it from anyone in my family (& still would!). When I tell my kids “I’m proud” they are surprised and pleased. They know I mean: “I am so impressed by what you did, and proud to be able to call myself your mother.” If I said this to a friend it would mean the same thing.
Language gets corrupted. But arguing about what words mean is pointless- meanings vary. The truth here is, different people say and hear different things in the expression “I’m proud of you.”
Thanks for all the interresting comments and opinions on how people use the phrase “I’m proud of you”. My native language is not English, but I have fallen into the unfortunate (for somethings) of social netwoks, like facebook. My boyfriend’s ex, posted a “i’m so proud of you” on a photo he posted: something he achieved. Wondering where that may be coming from.
From what I read, she falls into the category of “know them well” but I wonder if it’s not something a bit out of place.
Thanks!
I have always struggled with this word. My mother said it to me when I graduated from college and I will never forget it. I was very irritated and angry. I was actually kicked out of my house at 16 by her and her new husband and had financial trouble during my years in school that she had contributed to, how in the hell can she be proud of me when all she did was hinder me? This is 20 years ago, and I still remember this moment.
On the other hand, my brother has said it to me, and although he did not play a role in my achievement, it still meant something positive to me and it felt good.
My husband just said it to me a couple of days ago (for a little achievement I just made in my physique) and it made me happy as well.
I guess – its an odd word and I stay away from it because I know how sensitive I am to it. I use the other terms – like “I’m so happy for you”.
Thank you for starting this. I know I’m a couple of years behind, but was thinking about it this morning.
A very concise and articulate post. Exactly the information I was looking for – thank you!