Funniest Review Ever of “The Secret”

A spoof Amazon reviewer named Ari Brouillette posted this hilarious review of the mega bestseller book The Secret. It's been taken down but I've pasted it below for your Saturday humor entertainment. Enjoy!

Please allow me to share with you how "The Secret" changed my life and in a very real and substantive way allowed me to overcome a severe crisis in my personal life. It is well known that the premise of "The Secret" is the science of attracting the things in life that you desire and need and in removing from your life those things that you don't want. Before finding this book, I knew nothing of these principles, the process of positive visualization, and had actually engaged in reckless behaviors to the point of endangering my own life and wellbeing.

At age 36, I found myself in a medium security prison serving 3-5 years for destruction of government property and public intoxication. This was stiff punishment for drunkenly defecating in a mailbox but as the judge pointed out, this was my third conviction for the exact same crime. I obviously had an alcohol problem and a deep and intense disrespect for the postal system, but even more importantly I was ignoring the very fabric of our metaphysical reality and inviting destructive influences into my life.

My fourth day in prison was the first day that I was allowed in general population and while in the recreation yard I was approached by a prisoner named Marcus who calmly informed me that as a new prisoner I had been purchased by him for three packs of Winston cigarettes and 8 ounces of Pruno (prison wine). Marcus elaborated further that I could expect to be raped by him on a daily basis and that I had pretty eyes. Needless to say, I was deeply shocked that my life had sunk to this level. Although I've never been homophobic I was discovering that I was very rape phobic and dismayed by my overall personal street value of roughly $15. I returned to my cell and sat very quietly, searching myself for answers on how I could improve my life and distance myself from harmful outside influences. At that point, in what I consider to be a miraculous moment, my cell mate Jim Norton informed me that he knew about the Marcus situation and that he had something that could solve my problems. He handed me a copy of "The Secret". Normally I wouldn't have turned to a self help book to resolve such a severe and immediate threat but I literally didn't have any other available alternatives. I immediately opened the book and began to read.

The first few chapters deal with the essence of something called the "Law of Attraction" in which a primal universal force is available to us and can be harnessed for the betterment of our lives. The theoretical nature of the first few chapters wasn't exactly putting me at peace. In fact, I had never meditated and had great difficulty with closing out the chaotic noises of the prison and visualizing the positive changes that I so dearly needed. It was when I reached Chapter 6 "The Secret to Relationships" that I realized how this book could help me distance myself from Marcus and his negative intentions. Starting with chapter six there was a cavity carved into the book and in that cavity was a prison shiv. This particular shiv was a toothbrush with a handle that had been repeatedly melted and ground into a razor sharp point.

The next day in the exercise yard I carried "The Secret" with me and when Marcus approached me I opened the book and stabbed him in the neck. The next eight weeks in solitary confinement provided ample time to practice positive visualization and the 16 hours per day of absolute darkness made visualization about the only thing that I actually could do. I'm not sure that everybody's life will be changed in such a dramatic way by this book but I'm very thankful to have found it and will continue to recommend it heartily.

(thanks to my brother for sending this to me)

9 Responses to Funniest Review Ever of “The Secret”

  1. Jude says:

    Wow. I hope that whoever wrote that starts writing a blog and that I somehow stumble upon it and add it to my feeds–not only is it funny, but it’s well-written.

  2. Charlie says:

    Nice. I saw the movie fore “The Secret” and wholly support the mocking of it :)

  3. This is absolutely brilliant. I love it. Anyone who comes into my convenience store and mentions this article gets 50% (ahh what the hell) 75% off expired dairy and dented cans of pinto beans.

    Thanks for sharing!

  4. Krishna says:

    I haven’t read the book yet. So no prejudgments. But I liked this reviewer’s style and creativity in conjuring up a (seemingly!) wittiest context and present it eloquently.

    I’ve often felt it after accidentally reading (thanks to wrong links) some horribly egotistical blogs. But then I may have read them under adverse conditions – when the link worked :-)

  5. Ben Casnocha says:

    This comment and the hilarious examples of expired dairy and dented pinto cans is almost as funny as the review itself.

  6. Sean S. says:

    Wow. It’s hard to even pinpoint why this works so well, but it just does. The jokes just kind of flow throughout, quietly.

    It’s just funny.

  7. Thanks Ben. Please drop by the store some time and say hello. Thanks again for the post.

  8. andres jimenez says:

    that’s a good way for isolating yourself, maybe it can be used for exam preparation…

    one year of confinement after graduating for preparing for the GRE subject test.

    Now, that’s impressive!

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